Get Out Of My Blog!

This EVE Online insanity is just wonderful.  I’m almost tempted to give it another whirl, while the interminable wait for NetDevil to crack open their Jumpgate Evolution beta continues.  At this rate maybe Black Prophecy will actually get there first…

Of course the last few times I tried out an MMO (LOTRO, Age of Conan, even FlyFF and DOFUS) I ended up back on the WoWcrack.  If you’re anything like me you should probably avoid watching the really spiffy trailer for the Ulduar patch…Or reading about dual specs.  Or getting all excited about mounted combat and the Argent Tournament..

<takes deep breath>

The BioShock2 trailer does look suitably splendid, albeit without a great deal to seemingly differentiate it from the previous title: enjoyably claustrophobic underwater gameplay aside.  Meanwhile SEGA’s Bayonetta continues to score points for split-backed outfits, Devil May Cry / Bullet Witch / God of War “inspired” gameplay and wincingly camp female VO.  Promising, but if it’s cheap thrills you’re after, maybe the distinctly less SFW  Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers would be a better fit?

Oh yeah, and go check out James Silva’s Dishwasher: Dead Samurai.  Downloadable on your 360, if it hasn’t blown up yet and if you can remember where you put it after Little Big Planet came out…  I was going to say it reminded me of Alien Hominid, and then I promptly read that Mr Silva is getting rapidly pissed off with that particular comparison… Alas - it does!  But in the sense that it’s a thoroughly enjoyable 2D smat-em-up with a pleasing crispness to the controls, surprising depth to the combat and plenty of gratuitous gore.  You owe it to yourself to at least try the demo.

(Ok – this should have gone up aaages ago.  I’ve been busy.  Sue me! More relevant and recent content to follow shortly.)

So either F.E.A.R. 2 is actually scary as hell, or I am a complete wuss.  Either is possible.  Given that I had to be removed from the cinema during the library scene in Ghostbusters due to a full-on five year old freak-out caused by the SSSSSSSHHHH! ghost, the wuss theory is maybe more possible.. 

Whatever.  I stick to my statement:   F.E.A.R. 2 is unnerving.  Seriously.

True, the plot is thinner than Kate Moss, the schlocky-shocks are kinda telegraphed, the voice acting runs the gamut from laughably awful to awfully laughable and the whole thing is such a poster child for linear FPS design, it makes Killzone look like Far Cry.  Nevertheless, a calming experience it is not. I played through the demo, headphones on in a brightly lit office, plenty of other people around etc. etc.  Hardly the most conducive atmosphere for the generation of nut-shrivelling terror and creeping unease, no?  I think that makes it even more impressive.  Nuts did indeed shrivel.  I was in such a state of tension in fact, that on being ambushed by some kind of creeping psi-horror lurking in a shattered basement - I nearly shouted out an incredibly choice string of profanity.  Luckily I remembered I was in a busy office surrounded by people doing Serious Grown Up Work, and I was able to strangle it at the last second, and instead drew odd looks for producing a kind of loud, choked squawk.  Sort of a FUwarrkrkggg noise.

You see, we, dear gamers, value many of our games precisely for this ability to remove us from the casual, mundane headspace we inhabit for the majority of our waking lives.  Chronic MMO-addicts aside, most people spend more time in the real world than in the fictional.  Games that can neatly snap you out of yourself, and give you a few hours in a different place will never cease to make me grateful for gaming as a whole.  Even if the place you get taken to in F.E.A.R. 2 is occasionally quite uncomfortable. Oh, and if there was a gaming BAFTA for “Best Mech-Suit Implementation” then F.E.A.R. 2 is the clearest shoe-in since Chronicles of Riddick…

You may, if you were lucky, have had a chance to play it at the Eurogamer Expo.  You have, at least, downloaded the demo.  You might even have got yourself a pre-order time trial unlock code, and already spent a wee while watching ghost images of people somehow gifted with the fucking Winged Sandals of Mercury Himself breaking your gritted-teeth best times into tiny, tiny pieces.

Regardless of what you might think of the trial-and-error gameplay, or what your inner ear might think of the swaying firstperson camera, this game is important.

It’s important because it’s a new idea, something fresh, carried through from back-of-napkin concept to a polished conclusion by a traditionally risk-averse publisher.  It’s fun, it’s going to sell, and quite frankly it gives me hope.

There’s just one thing though:

For the developer of the Battlefield games to have created an FPS where you can’t fucking shoot anything is more than a little odd.  More than that - it’s a massive missed opportunity.  Oh sure, you can get hold of guns, why, you can even try and aim them at people!  But seriously, spend an hour with DICE’s previous FPS Battlefield: Bad Company, then try shooting something in Mirror’s Edge.  It’s an exercise in severe frustration - the firstperson “aiming” isn’t designed to aim guns, it’s designed to aim you.

Grr.

Now I have a theory why this happened.  The concept of firstperson parkour is just out-and-out
weird.  Even the new-new-happy-clappy EA would have housed a fair few detractors.  Especially when you consider how this game must have looked in the beginning - I’m betting there were a fair few meetings where frustrated producers explained their baby’s core concepts yet again to marketing staffers desperately trying to work out which box to put this product in.

In the middle of all this I guess, maybe they forgot to let you shoot at people.

Maybe nobody thought of allowing you to send the bad guys scurrying for cover by rattling off an entire pistol mag before you toss the gun and run on, unimpeded?

Or integrating this mechanic with one that saw you stumble when shot, losing precious time, so making the bad guys duck (even if you can’t shoot them directly) becomes a vital part of your speedrunning attempts?

Or having your FOV, movement speed and aiming model all change on picking up a larger rifle, not only allowing you the luxury of just maybe being able to hit what you’re aiming at, but also making it exquisitely clear that you are now in Firstperson Shooter mode?

The above is just waffle and pipedreams, but it doesn’t really matter. None of this really detracts from what’s quite clearly a splendid experience - one which I’ve been keenly anticipating since first laying eyes on the trailer, and quite frankly salivating over since laying hands on the demo at the EG Expo.

But DICE, please, next time up your game just that little, and take a chance on elevating your latest creation beyond the merely good, into the realm of the true classic?

Howls of dismay.  Yells of rage.  Screenfuls of gore.  Fade to black.

The team of four that have spent the last ten minutes locked in mortal struggle are shepherded back outside the roped-off boundary by a steward.  For a bunch of gamers (notoriously proud creatures that they are) that just got shredded in front of a load of other gamers, they’re remarkably cheerful. 

In fact, astonishingly, this lot appear to have enjoyed getting ignobly dismembered…

At least according to the crowds voting with their feet, queuing from the moment the doors open to the very end of the night, on the show floor it’s official.:

Left 4 Dead is fucking awesome.  Reasons why?

Level Design - the canny use of light, shadow and (occasional) utter darkness creates atmosphere in spades.

Zombie Hordes - with frightening speed and mass.  These guys howl and pelt towards you with arms flailing – much more 28 Days Later than Dead Rising.

Weapons – filling the air with flying gore, and strobelighting the gloom with muzzleflash at the twitch of a finger.  Infinitely satisfying.

Teamwork – shotgunning a zombie off a downed teammate, helping them to their feet, then patching them up with a medikit while the other two team members keep the horde off your back?

Preorder off Steam and join the fight a few days early, on November 6^th, instead of November 18th.  Seriously.  Do it. 

While debating matters of great import over MSN recently (conclusion: the only acceptable fruit in a martini is a fucking olive) I was asked:  “Why is everyone going gay over Warhammer Online?”

Good question.  Here are some ideas:

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First off:   

The other evening I find myself entreated to join in a two player game of Super Puzzle Fighter 2 on me flatmate’s new 360 Elite.  Shiny.

Unfortunately I have never played Super Puzzle Fighter 2 before. I know what you’re thinking.  It’s one of two things: 

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PGR4. Saved. Anyone want a race?

Sometimes there’s just too much choice. Like a munchied-up bevvie-merchant in a Glasgow chippie who can’t decide between aforementioned pizza, haggis, sausage or maybe even fush. Like a starving gambler who steps away from a 12 hour session at the low-stakes poker tables, and finds himself lost amongst the pointless vastness of a Vegas buffet, it’s sometimes hard to know where to begin.

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There will be no queueing overnight, Westminster Council put the kibosh on such events in London anyhow.

There will also be no joining thousands of n00bs online to yell abuse, and I will also sadly not get to watch Rockstar attempting to subvert the Bungie-worshipping masses with free GTA:IV lewts either, as they apparently/allegedly did at the NYC Halo 3 launch - bribing the milling gamer hordes in an attempt to dilute the current Halo hysteria.

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The highlight of TGS07 so far (other than watching Sony further pwn their own selves):

Pink 360 controllers! OMG! <3

Enough of that ¬¬

In other news: Roflopolis.  Thankyou so-called “Marvellous Entertainment”, you’ve just made my afternoon.

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